Yesterday, I pulled out a few of my diaries from the last couple of years and even watched a few of my video diary entries. As the last day of 2012 I suppose it’s appropriate that this be the beginning of the end of some of my old, tiring, unnecessary habits and attitudes (and how convenient – I will most likely be menstruating as we welcome in the new year!)
2012 felt like by far the worst year of my life.. but also the best. It’s funny how things work like that.
My parents seperated about 2 years ago and this year was a constant battle between the two of them. Dad was never the kind to stand up for himself; he was always walked over (first by Mum and then by my sister and I). Splitting from Mum was probably the first time he considered what he wanted first but, he seemed to have been using this new found super power of his all too often. Towards me anyway; his new girlfriend seems very controlling. Mum has been just as bad, she continues to point out how much Dad is getting out of the separation and how she’s being left with nothing. Whilst Dad is a pain in the butt, at least he can admit that there were two people in the relationship that fucked up.
“What’s this got to do with my spiritual development?” I hear you say. Not much actually – maybe just my development in general? I’ve been in denial these past couple of years. I moved out of home when I was 18 because I was just sick of their continuous emotional manipulation. The sad thing is, when I went through my diaries it was just like this “Uh HAAA” moment. I’ve been stuck in this loop, hoping that one day Mum and Dad will be the parents I’ve always wanted and needed – this has caused many disappointments on my behalf as they don’t seem likely to change at all. Maybe that’s why I keep having all these dreams about my Dad? Either why I should put some Chestnut Bud into my current flower essence mix to see what else I’ve been missing.
I’m looking forward to 2013. For the last few months I’ve been feeling a big change coming but I just haven’t been able to put my finger on what the change will be – maybe this is the beginning of it?