22/1/13 – Change Happens at a Glacial Pace

I was raised by an anxious family which has made me an extremely anxious person. I can remember when I could finally put a name to it. I was so happy to realise what I was feeling was an actual thing and that I wasn’t alone. Sometimes I have bad days where doing the laundry or going outside is just too much for me to handle and those are the days that I get so angry at myself for letting it sneak up on me again. But you know what? Under all those bitter thoughts I can honestly say I’m proud of myself.

I know a lot of people look at me and my life and assume it’s easy. Why? Just because I don’t work full time or have a family, etc. This annoys me because I still struggle with day to day life – something that you would find easy or even mundane can have me worried for days beforehand. It sounds ridiculous, and believe me when I tell you that I know just how ridiculous. The life that I’m leading now has taken me a long time to get and I’ve worked hard to get it. It took me a long time to fight the feelings of guilt I had about not working full time like a majority of my friends did after high school but I’ve come to accept that I’m just not that way inclined. That’s something that I learn over and over again during this long journey – to accept yourself for who you are and to work with yourself. There may be parts that annoy you or that you may even hate, but they’re still a part of you and I’m sure there a plenty of parts that you love as well if you look deep enough. The facts are that you can’t have one without the other – human beings aren’t perfect.

+ The other day I walked down to this little grassy spot underneath a tree beside the lake. I was so happy I’d done that because I had literally been thinking about doing it for a few weeks but couldn’t get the guts to do it. What am I afraid of? I’m not entirely sure. Probably someone seeing me – I’m never all that good with human interaction.
+ I made an appointment to a. see a doctor and b. get a pap smear. The last time I saw a doctor was the last time I got a pap smear – which was 3 years ago. I’m scared of doctors because they talk in riddles and make assumptions. You see them for 10 minutes and they think they can ‘fix’ you. It doesn’t make sense to me!
+ I bought myself some chalk pastels, I’ve bought myself that journal I’ve been wanting for yonks, I’ve been doing art and enjoying it. I’ve been playing sport, gardening, letting Brian take me to socialise, among so many other things that I wouldn’t of done 6, 12, 24 or 48 months ago.

I’m saying this mostly for my own benefit because sometimes the thoughts come and they wash out all the work I’ve done – they tell me I’m hopeless and ask me why I’m still trying because I’ll never be as good as that person or this person. I need to remind myself where I’m at and where I’ve come from.

I need to remind myself that I’m never going to just wake up and be the person who I want to be – that takes time and a lot of effort. I need to remind myself that Change Happens at a Glacial Pace.