27/1/13 – Weather Observation

It rained all day – literally I was woken up just before dawn and it was already raining. It wasn’t a drizzle or downpour but it was raining steadily. Generally this is an unusual thing for the 27th of January – my sisters birthday is on the 25th and we pretty much always had a pool party because it was so hot. It’s been a nice change though since Sydney has had the most days over 40C in 100 years this summer.
Haven’t heard much from any birds or other animals today. The corn is about ready to harvest, the peas are dead from heat and the beetroot has big leaves but not so big roots.

24/1/13 – Weather Observations

The last week or so has been hot and humid. We’ve had very gusty winds and a light sprinkle of rain on and off for the last couple of days. There was also fog the other morning – could we be heading into autumn already?

The corn we’re growing is about ready to harvest and all the other plants we’re growing have been absolutely loving the change in weather. My lemon balm died in the heat and the bean plant seems to have a disease brought on by the hot weather (we’ll need to plant it earlier in the season I think).

There’s this one bird in the tree outside our bedroom window and it’s been quite active lately – I have no idea what it’s name is though. I found two of it’s feathers yesterday while I was weeding (it seems to be following me). Another sunny morning – before the rains were blown in again – we woke up to the sound of what sounded like 5 kookaburra’s laughing right outside our window! When it was a reasonable hour I went out to find them all mucking around in the gum tree next to the jetty (the same one I sat under the other day). There are still baby magpie’s following their parents making a racket – admittedly not as much as when they were younger but I honestly think they’re getting too old to still be trying to scab food off their parents (it’s been months since they hatched). Have seen them further down the road though so they’re getting themselves out there. They still come around looking for food here but I’ve decided to stop feeding them because we’re moving soon and I don’t want them freaking out the new people or the new people doing something stupid.

Spiritual Menstruation – Introduction

Personal Menstrual History
I got my period quite young, I was 11 at the time and still in primary school. I’d been raised in a household that had healthy sex education so I knew that it was coming and I knew what it was when it finally arrived. I didn’t have much of an opinion of it – it was just how it was and I just had to deal with it. A majority of the women in my family and those I spoke to had problems with their reproductive organs so I assumed pain was normal.
In high school I started getting really crippling cramps. One moment I would be at the shops with my friends having fun and the next I would be curled up on the floor waiting for the cramp to recede. My periods were quite heavy too. My hormones were all over the place – I had horrible mood swings, my anxiety was through the roof and I had really bad ACNE.
All of this seemed to level out when the doctor put me on The Pill. I was on it for 5-6 years before I actually knew what it was doing to me.
After the HSC had finished, I was adamant about going off the Pill and finding a more natural contraceptive solution. I hadn’t gotten my period for a month and a half after going off the Pill so I went to a Naturopath and Chinese Herbalist to help get my hormones leveled out and to avoid getting my ACNE back. She helped me with herbs and acupuncture.
Ever since then my periods have been fairly regular unless of course I’m under high amounts of stress. A lot of the reading I’ve done over the last few years has changed my attitude towards menstruation.

Spiritual Menstruation
“Your life is based around your menstrual cycle whether you realise it or not, whether you pay attention to it or not. And everyone who lives under the same roof is under the influence of the menstrual cycles of the women who live there. So, why not pay attention? So much more will make sense and you will make more sense to yourself!” – Moonsong.com

At first I felt that menstruation was something that didn’t have much of a ‘purpose’ other than to allow us to conceive when the time came and other than that it was just a nuisance – I’ve discovered of late is that it’s so much more. There is a constant flow of energy; something akin to the energies we feel with the waxing and waning of the Moon, the turning of the wheel of the year and the different energies of night and day. I’ve noticed that it’s a more subtle and reasonably slow movement of energy, well for me it is – I assume different people would have different experiences.
Lately I’ve had the opportunity to listen to my cycle, to live within these energies and I must admit when I’m not fighting them my life seems to run a lot more smoothly. I’ve noticed 4 such energies each with it’s own merits and pitfalls and I use these energies in spell work or ritual and in my day to day life.

NOTE: As I’ve said in a previous post, I believe males, females and everyone in between and beyond can experience these energies. I believe that some people experience them physically but they can also be experienced mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually. But just so everyone is aware I will be referring to the physical aspect of the expression of these energies which, for me, include a menstrual period. That does not mean that if you do not experience a physical menstrual period that you are incapable of experiencing this – it’s just made it easier for me to categorize them. I hope to in no way exclude or offend anyone so please contact me if this is so.

22/1/13 – Change Happens at a Glacial Pace

I was raised by an anxious family which has made me an extremely anxious person. I can remember when I could finally put a name to it. I was so happy to realise what I was feeling was an actual thing and that I wasn’t alone. Sometimes I have bad days where doing the laundry or going outside is just too much for me to handle and those are the days that I get so angry at myself for letting it sneak up on me again. But you know what? Under all those bitter thoughts I can honestly say I’m proud of myself.

I know a lot of people look at me and my life and assume it’s easy. Why? Just because I don’t work full time or have a family, etc. This annoys me because I still struggle with day to day life – something that you would find easy or even mundane can have me worried for days beforehand. It sounds ridiculous, and believe me when I tell you that I know just how ridiculous. The life that I’m leading now has taken me a long time to get and I’ve worked hard to get it. It took me a long time to fight the feelings of guilt I had about not working full time like a majority of my friends did after high school but I’ve come to accept that I’m just not that way inclined. That’s something that I learn over and over again during this long journey – to accept yourself for who you are and to work with yourself. There may be parts that annoy you or that you may even hate, but they’re still a part of you and I’m sure there a plenty of parts that you love as well if you look deep enough. The facts are that you can’t have one without the other – human beings aren’t perfect.

+ The other day I walked down to this little grassy spot underneath a tree beside the lake. I was so happy I’d done that because I had literally been thinking about doing it for a few weeks but couldn’t get the guts to do it. What am I afraid of? I’m not entirely sure. Probably someone seeing me – I’m never all that good with human interaction.
+ I made an appointment to a. see a doctor and b. get a pap smear. The last time I saw a doctor was the last time I got a pap smear – which was 3 years ago. I’m scared of doctors because they talk in riddles and make assumptions. You see them for 10 minutes and they think they can ‘fix’ you. It doesn’t make sense to me!
+ I bought myself some chalk pastels, I’ve bought myself that journal I’ve been wanting for yonks, I’ve been doing art and enjoying it. I’ve been playing sport, gardening, letting Brian take me to socialise, among so many other things that I wouldn’t of done 6, 12, 24 or 48 months ago.

I’m saying this mostly for my own benefit because sometimes the thoughts come and they wash out all the work I’ve done – they tell me I’m hopeless and ask me why I’m still trying because I’ll never be as good as that person or this person. I need to remind myself where I’m at and where I’ve come from.

I need to remind myself that I’m never going to just wake up and be the person who I want to be – that takes time and a lot of effort. I need to remind myself that Change Happens at a Glacial Pace.

If you get a chance this post is definitely worth reading – Lupa has done a great job with this essay. I definitely agree on a few things.

– I’ve recently overcome the need to be right all the time and I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing! I must admit it took some serious self reflection to realise that the reason why I felt too nervous to ask questions or blog about my experiences was because I was scared of being wrong. How will I grow though?! I talked myself through it by writing in my journal. There is nothing wrong with being wrong – it’s all experience and it will help you grow.

– I’ve never had problems with accepting people for their different beliefs but one of my friends and I always get into arguments about why I believe in a spirit. Lupa paints the perfect picture to represent him with the dog tied to a dog house. While I accept that he just doesn’t agree with me (but still think it’s ludicrous. Can’t he feel it inside of him?) he’s just not happy with agreeing to disagree. He’s constantly trying to make me see that I’m wrong and that it’s cognitive dissonance that’s making me believe it. So much so that we haven’t even got past the ‘spirit’ thing – there would be so many ideas to discuss if he could just get past that.

– And here we are – at the point of rightness or wrongness again. In this instance there is no such thing. How can you be wrong or right when it comes to experience? It’s important to keep an open mind and heart especially on this subject. As Lupa states “There is absolutely no incontrovertible proof that any religious belief is more objectively and measurably true than any other, and the number of people who adhere to it does not increase its truth.”

– On the subject of potential fundamentalism – I was not raised in a strictly Christian or Catholic household and my parents are very accepting of everything and everyone so I have no first hand experience of strict religious views. I have, however, definitely done my fair share of reading. It’s a good point that Lupa is raising because once these things get momentum they’re hard to stop.

Therioshamanism

A caveat to start with: No matter how well a writer writes something, inevitably someone will misinterpret what they were trying to say. Such is the limitation of language. In that spirit, allow me to make one thing very, very clear before this essay even starts: I am not equating hard polytheism with religious fundamentalism. I am concerned that because of certain patterns I have seen among some, not all, hard polytheists, that this may, not necessarily will, in the future give rise to a form of pagan religious fundamentalism. Additionally, the “You’re wrong, I’m right” attitude that I’m observing is not limited to debates regarding polytheism, but other areas of paganism as well, and any of these could also give rise to a form of fundamentalism given the right circumstances. Polytheism happens to be the topic of the moment which finally gave me a chance to voice…

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Divination

Here is a sneak peak of what I’m working on at the moment.

As part of my healing through art project I’m trying to make art a more integral part of my practice.
And since I can’t do anything the easy way I’ve decided to create my own ‘rune’ set (I realise it may not be referred to as ‘runes’ if it is not the traditional Elder Futhark Rune set but I have no other word for it yet). While we were on our road trip I collected some stones from various beaches which I planned on using to create my very own rune set (based on the Elder Futhark system). However, when I researched them they just didn’t click with me – I’m not of the Heathen faith and I don’t believe in their Gods. Since then I’ve felt a little lost because I was so sure I was following the right path by collecting the stones and creating a divination tool from them. For a while I persevered and tried to fit what I felt the stones represented into this already established system of runes – as you can imagine I wasn’t getting anywhere.

I then saw someone using a set that was of completely modern make with different symbols and I thought “I can do that.” At the moment I’m just brainstorming but as I collected them I already had a meaning shaped in my mind for each stone, I just need to figure out a symbol for each meaning – that’s the easy part. The hard part will be establishing a system to allow me to use the runes for divination purposes. I’ll need to play with them and try and figure out their meanings and then write a booklet to keep track of my findings.

In other words – it’s going to be a long and difficult journey.

18/1/13 – Journal Writing

High School Memories

A couple of days ago my dad found a box in storage and it was full of all my old diaries, letters I wrote to my friends and photos from high school. When I opened that box I felt like I was transported back to then and became that person again.

I had been thinking about where all my old diaries had gone because I knew I would never have thrown them out and I was interested in looking at them since I’d started writing again – I wanted to see if I wrote about the same kind of thing.
HELL NO is the answer to that question.

I guess you never really realise how much you change and man, I know exactly how much I’ve changed. All my old diaries from high school as you can probably imagine, are about what boy I liked and the last thing he said to me and what I thought it meant. I wrote about how every one of my friends annoyed me and exactly why they annoyed me but then continued to speak to them (and even wrote about them 2 or 3 days later saying how grateful I am for having them as a friend).

When I look back on high school now, I sort of don’t really know what I’m looking at. I feel like it’s just a jumbled mess and that whole chunks of it are missing. I guess what I learnt about this is that well, it WAS a big mess and I’m not surprised I forgot chunks – I pretty much did the same thing day in and day out.

There was this one diary that I avoided until the end though because I knew what was in it and I guess I never truly moved on or forgave him for what happened (let’s call him Shadow). We’re both completely different people now and I don’t really see him as the same person anymore (we’re still friends) so I don’t blame present Shadow, I blame past Shadow. The thing is I know I can’t go back and talk to past Shadow and sometimes I wonder if he really is all that different or if my role in his life is different. Either way, this diary was hard for me to look at but in the end I read the whole thing – cover to cover. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be although after reading it I was bursting with questions. I know all the people involved back then had most definitely forgotten it all – I seem to be the only one who cares enough about conversations and body language to write a 3 page diary entry about it.

It took me a couple of days to think about what all this may mean and if I should talk to Shadow about it or if I talk to my fiance. I even considered making Shadow a playlist of all the songs that reminded me of that time to try and convey how I felt — wot? I finally decided to do an oracle reading which was mostly focused on developing myself as a person as opposed to what I should do about my nostalgia towards people who hardly even exist anymore. As always, they come out with the answer that’s been circling around in my life for a couple of weeks now which I refuse to see – I need to stop taking life so seriously and to be more grounded and practical.

I then realised I don’t know how to be practical or grounded – I’ve never been like that. I’m a dreamer and I like it like that. You know what they said? Confidence. Confidence in that everything I have right now is exactly what I need and to be grateful for it.

Sometimes I still get surprised. I still smile to myself and think “Why didn’t I ask you to begin with?” I guess I wouldn’t have seen the answer.

My Animal Totem

Yesterday I watched Lupa’s video on Animal Totemism (you can watch it here) and whilst I kind of already knew a lot of the ‘basics’ already through my own practice with animals I found there were still little bits and pieces that I found very useful – it’s now conscious.

When I say that ‘it’s now conscious’ I’m referring to Jung’s concept of the shadow and the ego. I’ve not read this guy’s books but I have read a thing or two about his theories (more through other authors who expand on his ideas). Basically, I work in two ways – my subconcious and my conscious. My animal totems were more of a subconscious or ‘shadow’ part of my practice meaning that I’ve never really used them for any particular purpose, I mostly just felt comforted when I saw them. Sure I have ‘rituals’ dedicated to them but they’re mostly on the I’ll-wear-a-kookaburra-feather-in-my-hair side as opposed to the let’s-meditate-and-talk side. I’m aware that this is probably a really poor way of explaining it because some people would argue that meditation is a subconscious thing – but hey, that’s where I’m at right now and that’s what I’m doing here so for now that’s what I’m going with.

Anyway, Lupa’s video has inspired me to get more in touch with my Totem which is the Kookaburra. I’ve been observing Kookaburra’s since I was quite young and have always felt comforted and safe whenever they were around. I’ve never actually done any meditations to find out that they were my totem – one day in high school they started appearing during times of great stress and anxiety. I hated high school and I felt like they were always there protecting me because they would always turn up when I was making a big decision or thinking about something important.

Today, I started sketching a Kookaburra from a photo I took of one not that long ago – during that time I went into a bit of a meditation. Kookaburra’s have been seen as a symbol for healing and I’ve never really understood that until I was drawing this picture. The thing is, art used to be my life – I remember saying to a friend in high school that “I don’t know what I would do without art” but since graduating I’ve hardly even done a thing. I’ve attempted a few works but never finished. I was lazy with my photography and always thought too much about what it was I was doing. During this sketch I realised that the thing I loved most about art was that I could disappear into it – I meditated and my whole world was consumed with whatever it was I was painting/creating. It’s probably the first time I’ve done that (sober) since I graduated high school and I definitely think I’m on the right track.

Basically: Kookaburra = Healing Through Art

I’ll continue to blog about this part of my life – I need to paint, draw and create more.

Practicing Moon Lodge

I have a lot of free time because I’ve taken a break from study to organise our wedding however at the end of last year it was just an excuse for me to be lazy. I’ve since picked up my act – and some Bach Flowers (Clematis and Wild Rose). But there is just so many things I want to accomplish during my spare time that I feel like I need to manage it a little better – kind of like working from home.

I’m usually pretty big on timetables as I create a new one what seems like every few months or so – the only problem being that I never stick to them. So, I had this idea that maybe instead of drawing up a timetable that goes over a weekly basis I could do one on a monthly basis and fit it in to my cycle. The week just before my period is always the deal breaker when I’m studying or being at all productive in any way so I thought that if I could budget my time wisely in the first 3 weeks that it wouldn’t be such a big deal if all I felt like doing during that fourth week was drink tea and watch movies – I mean we all should be honouring that part of ourselves and it’s just unfortunate that in this day and age it’s seen as weakness.

My reasoning behind it is that I’ve been fighting with this part of myself for well, since as long as I can remember (obviously since I began puberty). There always feels like a battle going on inside my head, inside my heart between more than one woman. And you know what? I’m tired of it. I don’t want to do this for the rest of my life – she is also a part of me and I’m a part of her. I’m essentially fighting against myself. So, I’m choosing to work with her – she needs some time during that week to cry and to do art and to stare at the sky for 2 hours and I will let her no matter how much time I think I’m wasting. I will not feel guilty and I will not feel weak and I will not feel stupid.

As it is, I usually have my most profound moments during this time – but I always shove them away because I should be doing this or that. NO MORE I SAY!

I encourage other people to do this – even people who don’t experience a menstrual cycle. Everyone has a flow of energy and there are always highs and lows, I think I’m just lucky to experience them physically so it’s easier to keep track. For example; my fiance Brian experiences the same energies as I just in a shorter amount of time – so mine is over one turning of the moon whilst his may be over 2 weeks.

I’ll keep track of my feelings during the first month and then base my timetable on that – I’m kind of excited because that means I can do whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel guilty about it!
I will also post my final timetable if you are interested.

Happy Blogging )O(

Family Ties

Ok, so I’m sorry about the really crap (and old) picture but I always seem to forgot to document my spells. I guess it’s not all that important but one day I will show you how I do them. This photo I posted 2 years ago on my tumblr and it’s of one of my first spells. Here’s my description of it (and please excuse the magic with a ‘k’)

“Yesterday dad left for Perth. He’s moved over there for 6 months for a job. Before he left I made me, dad, my sister and mum little braids which I called “Family Ties”. They’re made of 4 pieces of fabric which have different colours and patterns woven together into one. I charmed them a little, nothing major. It was mostly just mental, picturing my family and each persons trait as I wove their piece in and what I wished for each of them and the family as a whole. The words I wrote felt magickal so hopefully if I believe in it then it will be true. So mote it be, as they say haha.
I also believe that because the fabric was sourced from the same piece of material that they’re all linked so I can cast a spell on mine and that will cast the same spell on the others.”

The significance of this (a part from the fact you can clearly see how much I’ve grown in my craft since then) is that when Dad moved over to Perth my parents marriage pretty much went to shit. Maybe that’s why I made these Family Ties in the first place; because I could feel it coming. Either way I recently decided that they weren’t helping any of us anymore and possibly even hindering each of us as individuals.

So today I undid the spell. It was a pretty hard decision to make but I think I made the right one – basically I feel like I’ve ‘given up’ on my family. I know that’s not true though because I’ve done it for the right reasons and to help each person individually instead of the family unit as a whole.
What I did was:
– I gathered my Family Tie and my little piece of paper that explain the reasons behind each piece of fabric.
– I lit a candle, had a shower then burnt the end of my Family Tie. I kept burning it until the knot had completely burnt off which allowed me to untie each piece individually.
– I then burnt the piece of paper and thought about each person and how this change could possibly help them.
– Then I buried the fabric pieces in the ground (or my version of the ground which is a potted plant outside lol).

I did feel a bit of a weight off my shoulders but I don’t think it’ll sink in for a while yet.